Blarg!

Hi everybody!

I really, really need a rant right now. I don't know how long it will last because I'm really tired and need to be up in a few hours to go to a job that sucks part of my soul away every time I walk through the door...but let's see what happens. I can't go to sleep angry.

So the main issue right now is that I am working this extremely physically and emotionally draining job, and getting paid in circus peanuts. Yes, it is a paycheck and I am grateful to have one when so many others do not. Really though, I have twenty babies (12-18 months old) in my classroom that I am responsible for all day and I get paid $10.00 an hour. I mean, I feed some of these kids all of the meals that they eat in a day. I'm with them more than their parents are! I change at least 20 diapers a day. I wipe noses, break up fights, clean all types of bodily fluids. I provide some of the only examples of discipline, and structure that these kids get in their lives. I deal with rude, nasty parents and management. I hear, and see sneaky things going on in this business that claims to be the best of all early childhood education centers. Greedy, greedy people who own the school and care nothing about the families, children, or employees. It's just a bunch of numbers and dollar signs. Jaded, overworked, underpaid, nasty teachers who curse at the kids all day and should not be allowed to work with children...but despite being removed from every room in the school for having a bad attitude and a bad mouth in the 2.5 years of her employment, is still employed by the school. But now she works with the babies who can't repeat the terribly negative things she says all day. And when the other teachers in the room go to management to let them know of her abusive behaviors with the children in the room they tell us that we need to "really think about exactly what we want to say to them." It's disgusting. When I have my own children, I will avoid daycare centers at all cost because of the nightmares I have witnessed working for this company.

To work this job you need a bachelors degree in any area of education...and you get paid $10.00 per hour. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I was 18 years old and signing my life away to Westminster and Sallie Mae because I knew I wanted to be a music teacher. And the over $90,000 in student loan debt was okay because when I graduated I'd be working in a school with a steady full time teaching job and everything would be fantastic! Also when I was 18 I really had no idea how much money that was...

I feel like I shouldn't have been allowed to make a decision like that when I was so young. I wish someone could have sat me down and said...Okay listen, in four years you are going to be so sick of music and all things music education that it will no longer be something you want to do with your life. Yes, you'll always love music, but you will not want to be a music teacher when you're done with this. Though, knowing 18 year old me, I probably wouldn't have listened anyway. Paths change, and eventually they lead you where you're going.

This past year has been beyond insane. I was lost and depressed. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life or how I would get over what happened between John and I. But therapy, and a lot of searching have brought me to social work. I am going to get my Masters degree in Social Work! I will be a therapist and work with individuals, families and children so I can help people get through the difficulties they face in their lives. So all those break downs I had in college when I felt like I didn't want to be a music teacher, and that I wanted to do something more with my life were actually for a reason other than just my insecurities and anxiety issues.

I was accepted into my top choice school and I plan to start the two year program in the Fall. I am soooooooooooooo excited and I can't wait to start! The only thing is the money issue of course...it's a private school so tuition is outrageous, but the program is fantastic. I got the financial aid letter when I got home from work today and I have a small graduate fellowship scholarship, and another big fat federal loan. But that doesn't cover the entire cost of attendance...so somehow I need to find more scholarships, and grants so I don't have to take out another crazy private loan. But since I'm not a minority, Jewish or disabled it's really hard to find any scholarships that I am eligible for. Sorry for being a little harsh, but seriously. I'm just a white girl who needs help paying for school because my family cannot help me.

Also I've been on the job search because I need to get out of this terrible working environment. I feel like for a little while I need to have an office job. Some quiet place where I can have real conversations with adults all day that don't involve poop, instead of singing my ABC's and telling kids not to beat each other over the head with their toys. I've applied to a few jobs with DYFS, the Y, Catholic Charities, and some hospitals but nothing has come through yet. They all want you to have a degree, and experience in a social service/mental health field...understandable. But even receptionist jobs want you to have experience...come on. I know how to answer the phone and schedule appointments. I really don't think I need a years experience for that job. How do you get experience if you can't get a job in it first?

UGH! Okay so I think this is where I stop. Thanks for listening. :)