Love, Empathetic Emily

So I just had this really unexpectedly beautiful moment with a guy from my improv class. It was our last class, and the teacher decided to go around and give everyone a personal shoutout. He got to me and started saying things like, "You're chockfull of kickass creativity, I just want to publish you. I wish your scenes could go on and on, that you could get all your ideas out and developed...(Too bad you can't)." So, rocking around my pessimistic brain was some disjointed stream of thoughts that looked something like this--

You're using your creativity as a crutch...
Stop.
Lock eyeballs.
Drop it.
Hobble your way over and lean on someone else's.
Why aren't you moving?
This isn't the place Palmer.
This isn't your place...

I had to me grit my teeth to keep my blood from boiling over and projectiling out all over his pretty little baby face. 

*Cutting back to beautiful moments.*

The class ends, and we’re all walking to the subway, sort of breaking apart into smaller groups as we go. I end up with this guy that until then, I’d had very little interaction with, not sure why. But, he comes up to me and very flat outly says--I see you, and this is what you are, and this is how you need to see it.

You know those out of body conversations when you feel like you’re an alternate in some mind-bending play? It was that. Specifically the part when you realize shit's just getting real, but you have to pee like a racehorse! I gritted my teeth again, told myself to focus, and tuned back in. He started talking about the French complicité, which is a fancy term for showing up and committing. Recognize what it is that makes an instance precious and do all you can to hold on to that as tightly and as fearlessly as possible.

Firstly, you have to know that it's a dynamic, not a bounce back and forth but that spark somewhere in the middle. It’s not your version of it, or hers, or his, or hers of his; it’s one entity that requires a specific kind of connection with the trust and patience to forget your terms, to let go of having to relate, to not spin it or refocus it, but to just be in it. It’s about so much more than teamworking it to the top, but both spotting that something amazing is happening and knowing your why’s match without having to ask. 

I love working in groups, I always have. But it’s always been, what do I bring, or what am I getting? It’s never just, what will we be? There’s something so special about just being, about synching in a way that in itself, plot/character/zaniness aside, is precious. So thanks, Crazy Kyle, for putting a yes and on a shitty day and turning it into something pretty unforgettable.

"I don't know Who--or what--put the question, I don't know when it was put. I don't even remember answering. But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone--or Something--and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore, my life, in self-surrender, had a goal."

                                    -Dag Hammarskjöld, Markings