"I'm Single".

You all may have read this story on Facebook already, but this is not one to be missed.  It defines my life at this point perfectly.


It was an ordinary Saturday.  In other words, I was working in a place that moderately to severely resembled Hell.  Weekends are the absolute worst time to be a barista.  People are rude, indecisive, and just overall idiotic.  I'm sure it's that way with many other jobs, too, but I enjoy being the barista martyr that I am.

Anyway, this guy walks by the espresso machine of his way to pick up the drink he ordered, and he caught me eye.  I smiled him, because that's what I am paid to do.  I am paid to be polite to everyone; it's isn't personal, pal.

So, I hand off that same guy's drink to him.  He's this insanely nerdy dude, who looked a bit like the guy who has flashbacks and nosebleeds, but is not Desmond, on "Lost".  I was also informed after the incident that he was carrying a very large, black umbrella on a ninety-degree day, with absolutely no chance of rain.

This dude, in case you can't picture him:





"Tall mocha cookie crumble", I announced, and then turned to walk away.  All of a sudden, I hear this dude say something.

"...What?", I inquired.

He looks at me creepily and says, "Do you want to hear a secret?"

Now, a few things went through my mind at this point: a.) is this person disabled?,  b.) do I want to hear his secret?,  c.) I probably shouldn't move in closer, and d.) this should be interesting.  Despite the strong urge to run in the opposite direction, I answered, "Uh...okay?".

The nerdy dude leaned in (much to my dismay) and whispered, "I'm single."

If you know me well (and I know you all do), you know what my face looked like.  It was that classic "are you fucking kidding me?!" look.  And then I said to him, in the most sarcastic tone possible, "That's great."

I started walking away, and he yelled after me, "Are you?"

And, despite my obvious singleness, I said, "No."

This is the kind of thing that would only happen to me.  And it's the reason why I think I am destined to write a screenplay someday.

However, from this point forward, I will always consent to hearing somebody's secret.  It's too entertaining to pass up.