Out of the Woods

Hi everybody! I am so glad we are doing this! I've missed you guys so much! Being so far apart is hard. I can't wait to hear about all the adventures you all have been having! If we can't all be together, it'll be nice to sit and read everyone's posts. It's the next best thing to sitting in Small World together. : ) Thanks for setting it up Em!!


I think I've decided that my first posts are just going to be the story of what has happened in the past few months of my life since I left Princeton. It's a long, involved story, and it's completely fine if you don't read it. I just need to write it all down, and I thought this would be a good place for it. I've learned so much about myself, and life recently. I've been writing a lot, and going to a yoga class almost everyday. I feel like I'm finally starting to find out who I am, and where I'm supposed to be. So here's the story of how I've gotten here.


The past few months here have been a mess...a confusing, stressful, obnoxious, stupid mess. Since December I've been in love, engaged, broken up, broken hearted, angry, employed full-time, unemployed, employed part-time, moved three different times, dealing with my unstable family, and our deteriorating home, in therapy, in and out of doctors, completely lost and confused about what I wanted, what I was doing and who I am, having panic attacks, on medication for anxiety, depression, and stress-induced acid reflux, stopped having panic attacks, and started regaining some hope, peace, and sanity about three weeks ago. 


I woke up on a Sunday morning to go to yoga at the gym, and I started packing every article of clothing that I had at my Grandmother's house. I packed books, some notebooks, pens, pencils, pictures. Things that I would need or want to have if I never came back. I had no idea why I was packing, or where I thought I was going that I would need all of this. I kept stopping periodically and thinking "Um...hey buddy. Whatchya doin'? You're going to yoga right? Don't you just need your mat?" I just kept packing...and then I yelled goodbye to my Grandma and quickly flew out the door so she didn't see me holding bags of my stuff. While I drove, and during my yoga class I realized that I was packing to go see John. I needed answers, and closure. I just needed to see him. A few days earlier we had a phone conversation after not speaking for two months, and he told me that he didn't love me anymore. I couldn't believe that was true until I saw it in his eyes. So I convinced him to meet me on Tuesday. 


On Monday night I sat on the beach writing everything I needed to say to him, until it was too dark to write. I sat for a long time wrapped in a blanket just listening, and staring at the waves, thinking. I went home and organized all of my thoughts in my journal for him to read the next day. I took an hour nap, woke up and drove the two hours to a Panera Bread in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania where we were meeting. We pulled into the parking lot at the exact same time, and talked for three hours. We talked about everything that has happened in the last few months, when our relationship was good, and what made it fall apart. He talked a lot about his family, and how he doesn't want to be at home with them. He just feels like he needs to be, and doesn't know where else to go, or what he wants to do. He's lost in the same position he was in December. He just doesn't know what he wants. I wasn't sure then either, and we decided that whatever we are doing right now is what we need to be doing. Getting back together would just put us back into the same boat we were in before, and that isn't healthy for anyone. He told me that he had to force himself out of love with me because he couldn't stand how he had hurt me. I could see the truth in his eyes, and it broke my heart. He doesn't think he deserves to be forgiven, and it's just too much for him to handle. I miss him so much, and I still love him. I forgave him a long time ago, he just needs to forgive himself, but he can't right now, and doesn't know if he ever will. So through tears, held hands, and hugs we decided that we should give each other some space, and time until Fall and then see where we are. But talking right now would be too painful because I want something from him that he can't give me. We kissed, and got into our cars. I was hysterically crying, and through the rain and his car window I think I could see that he was crying too. I calmed myself down, and waited for him to drive away. Then I drove home in the ridiculously hard rain for the entire two hours. 


I was too nervous to eat all day so I was going on no food, and hardly any sleep. As I got closer to home I decided the best way to end this day would be to go to yoga, then go home, eat something, and immediately go to sleep. I was feeling so good about the day. I was so proud of the two of us for talking through everything, and communicating so well, just like we used to do. And just as I was starting to feel a little like Wonder Woman...I got hit, and my car was spinning out of control in the pouring rain, hit another car, and finally stopped in the middle of an intersection. I ran a red light...I immediately started crying, and wanted to talk to John. My car wouldn't turn on, and even if it did I couldn't really remember how to drive it. Finally I was able to pull it into a parking lot of a convenient store at the intersection, got out and saw the car that hit me was smashed, but everyone was fine. Thank God! My mom's bakery is down the street, I called her and she came right over. I got a ticket, and a court date. Called my dad and the insurance company to find out what the hell I was supposed to do. I had never been in a car accident before. My car was drivable, but it didn't look good. 


So after the shock wore off the next day, and I was done being angry with myself for doing something SO STUPID, I realized that it couldn't have happened any other way. This was a lesson that I needed to learn. Are you ready for the lesson guys? Because it's a good one. Here it is: Do not drive a four hour round trip on unfamiliar highways in torrential rain, to have an emotionally exhausting, three hour long conversation with the person you love on ONE HOUR OF SLEEP WITH NO FOOD IN YOUR STOMACH. 


I'll give you the Sparknotes version, too: You are not invincible. Please sleep, and eat everyday.


More later on England, crying babies, and my most recent life discoveries. <3 <3 <3